Saturday, December 26, 2009

another day lost in my mind

recently learning that jeff hardy says "this is not goodbye forever. this is only goodbye for now. i'm sure i'll see you in the future." puts me in a spirit of hope. christmas was great. new years will hopefully run over smoothly. im actually worried about the 15. i tell myself forget it and let it go. stop holding on to the thoughts that hurt the most. but it is really hard for me to forget. i wish everything bad was erased in my memory but i cant do that. if i let go of my mistakes and tragedy then how can i look forward to sharing moments of success and comedy? deep inside i want to remember everything as it was. sometimes memories are better than nothing at all. Song stuck in my head: blink 182-i miss you. nice song makes you miss someone even more. makes you want to tell them that you love them so much and you wont let go ad that well you miss them. "but they will see i'll fight until eternity. no matter what ill stand and fight forever. through my strength ill make a better day tomorrow. i shall never surrender." abridged version of a short song. well again im getting lost in my thoughts. still i wonder if a bit of truth lies in his statement. i remember that friday it aired on tv i wanted to watch smackdown but couldn't becuz i was at my dad's house. i came home and my best friend michell told me he left. being that was all i knew it hurt even more to find out the truth of everything. i was "the unsuspecting victim". not until awhile ago i heard for myself what he had to say. strange becuz i didnt think of it before. maybe becuz i was so angry and disapointed. hearing his words made me forget what i tell myself. 'there is a reason for everything" and that 'everyone has an explanation." i have yet to hear his reason for his actions but i will find one someday. becuz "this is only goodbye for now".

Sunday, July 26, 2009

just for you

i want to see you smile and hear you laugh
i want to know things no one else may ever know
i want to know you fears so i can chase them away
i want to know about your dreams
i want to hold you close and never let go
i want you to hold my hand when you feel afraid
i want to know your favorite songs
anywhere you go let me go too
i want to hear about your goals so i can help you achieve them
i want to be by your side during the dark days
when you're sad i want you to tell me how you feel
i want to make every day unique for you
i want
to be okay
just for you

Monday, July 6, 2009

Slowly but surely...

i am going to be an official author. my poem will be published in a book which i may get for half price i believe. i am so happy. i sent in the poem thinking they wouldn't look at it twice. i read other poems on the site and saw how other people put words together. it made me feel like an ameatur. but my poem is going to be published! i am so excited and this raises my hopes for my book being published. you know i've alaways wanted to make my poems as good as Jeff Hardy's. yes he writes poetry but only because he is who i look up to. it too made me feel like i was at the bottom. he put a lot of emotion into his work. i read my poems over and over and debated whether or not it was good enough for anything. if i thought it wasn't as good as Jeff's then i would set it aside and start over. then i would hold a piece of art. it was good in my eyes which made me not care what anyone thought about it. now i have proof that i am good enough because out of probably thousands i am having my poem published.
i always pray to god in a small way before i go to sleep. i pray for a better tomorrow. i pray i wake up and see the sun rise and shine a radiant light on oppurtunity. if god just couldn't give me a good day that is because someone else needs it more than i do. so i pray for another one and another. today was one of my good days. i always think to myself that if i really want it then i will wait. if i can see it but it doesn't want to see me. i dont care. if i can think about it and have it never think of me. i dont care. but if i stand in front of it and make it look me in the eye then i have had a good day. i wait for those days. forever if i have to.

Friday, June 26, 2009


ok now that we've hit one hundred degrees and still rising we seem to have hit bigger problems with the economy. what the heck?!?!?! my room has the fan on high two windows open and an air conditoner and IT IS STILL FREAKIN HOT!
the kittens have been growing at a normal rate and look very healthy. i let them all get used to walking around on my bedroom floor. they had so much fun. five little kittens crawled over me throughout the day i was home. then while on my computer organinzing everything they all fell asleep by my feet in the corner of the desk and drawers. they love crawling on my legs so much that they each take turns and never want to come off.
praying to God that my mom can realize "she cant watch all of her shows without cable". hoping she'll get internet and awesome cable with all the channels i want that can record my shows. i have a tight schedule that has been reduced to two hours of wrestling every two weeks, but i can watch here at my dads!
have a good summer everyone

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


well today i have nothing to say. as much of a good friend i am to words they are how do you say not here. "i will dress them up so prettily for you that you will like them" this refers to words of course, but HOW CAN ONE DRESS WORDS SO PRETTILY WHEN THEY ARE NO WORDS TO BE DRESSED?!?!?!?!
i have been hearing about the chaos going around my house however. my absence is a frightening thing to me when i don't know what is going on in my own home. the one thing that worries me is if julissa goes in my room or anyone else. if anyone has then i will hunt them down and bite off their heads!! if i had a fireplace i would display them on my mantle but instead i'll just throw them away. i saw what happened to the door. [sigh] my feeling of security when i sleep has dropped below zero. hopefully it is fixed an in working order.
other than that i guess all is well

Friday, June 19, 2009

Summer Bummer

Well technically i have really only had about four days of summer fun and that was all in a cramped frustrating weekend. almost gonna leave my dad's though. what sucks is that might be the only summer fun. i have an english prject for next year in high school. band summer stuff i don't feel like doing. i gotta prep up for Rotc and get ready for the upcoming year. all i can manage is to walk across the street and say hi to my good friend Michell and chill with her for a couple of hours.
but i do plan on celebrating fourth of july in my own fun way with Michell. i am trying to get us to go see "Public Enemies" and catch the midnight show. we want to be the first ones to see it no the first to buy the tickets then see it. if we'er lucky the theater will be empty. ^-^
i also have my "fifteen" coming up. mom says we'll go dress shopping. o_O. i'm hoping to get the kind of dress I want. not a frilly fru fru-ish dress. but we can come to an agreement. ^-^
hopefully the rest of the summer will be fun.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Nearly There

Well i will soon be attending high school and i will find out more than i want to. my eyes will be opened up to even more cruelties in the world than i already know. i find out who my real friends are and maybe even someone to spend part of my life with. i'm not counting on that and i don't care. love is not my main concern. living my life the way it should be is my priority.

i remebered recieving a fortune cookie. inside it said "you will not be loved until you can learn to love". it is true for everyone, but love is being put off right now. except for my family of course. no one can get where they are without family no matter what. right now i am focusing on graduating and getting a start on life. i fear that if i don't then everything i wanted to do and see will disapear.

you all know i love Jeff Hardy. as a wrestler yes, but as a person even more. he and his brother Matt started with a small passion for wrestling and they worked hard to get where they are now. one tv show called Wrestlemania let them become superstars. i don't want to be a superstar, but i believe that if a show called wrestling can provide a job that i am more than willing to do then i'll go for it. with this is mind maybe i have a chance of meeting Jeff and Matt. if i have a chance then i want to take it otherwise i may never even get close.

for these reasons of a fear of losing something, i am more driven to be something better than what i imagine
i have to go for it or forever wish i had.